So I broke down and signed for my daughter to get a belly button piercing..
Now to be fair she paid for it I just had to sign for it.. which I know totally regret because as soon as it was done I got nothing but attitude. This morning I woke up at 5:00 and she had already gone into my room and got a cell. The rule is it stays in my room until I wake up.
Second time in a week. This time she has lost it indefinitely which means she’s grounded to the house. No phone no going out.
On another note I broke up with my boyfriend. There was too much bad then good and it seems that my daughters started with her attitude.. so we shall see.
My mood doesn’t even matter. My daughter and I went for a walk before the whole piercing thing came up and I said twice I was depressed and got no response. Why be open with her when she gives off the air of not caring?
So I just found out that my daughter who has major depression has blocked me in every way from contacting her and I have no idea what I did.
I’m no longer keeping my head above the water, I’m drowning now.
You know honestly I don’t know where to begin…
I have noticed that my daughter seems to like to cause her own drama and then gets upset when people start talking behind her back. Is this a regular 14 year old female bullshit? Or is it something else all together?
Her and her boyfriend broke up, basically because she told the social worker at her school about the abuse that was going on in the house. Then he wanted to get back together, so they did.. for a day. Now it’s him calling her names and everything and I keep saying just block him from everything and don’t worry about what he says.
She apparently got a call at about 2:30am Saturday morning from some chick that was threatening her. I told her to block the number, easy to do on an iphone. Now it’s people are calling her ugly behind her back, but she doesn’t know who and they won’t say it to her face. No matter how many times I tell her you can not control other people’s actions or what they say, you can only control how you react.
She says that she doesn’t care, then the next minute she’s cutting herself with the sharpener part of a pencil sharpener. So I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try and keep sharp things that she can use to cut herself, she will find a way. All the while saying she needs to find a different way to deal with her emotions and stress.
So while all this is going on and she can’t stop thinking about her ex, she is now dating a new guy. Apparently she’s taking it slow.. but not the point and not what I suggested she do. That’s where the conclusion is that she likes to create her own drama half the time.
She asked me yesterday if she could try smoking weed… Now we had this conversation the other day that if she wants to try it to do it with my friend so that she is in a safe environment. Well when I made that comment I was thinking a couple more years.. not 14. Nope I was wrong, she wanted to try it so she could forget for awhile about things.. I was like ummm that’s not how it works. The only thing that will heal a broken heart is time.
The funny thing is that she has shown 0 interest in witchcraft.. until now. She was wondering if there was a spell that would help her forget… ummm no, but I can probably come up with something to ease the pain, and once again asked why if she’s not over this one ex is she dating someone else already? Like really?? Take some time and take care of yourself, but I’m just mom, what do I know.
As for me I started a DBT group, the one that I have been waiting for and will be my final one. It’s 25 weeks, every Tuesday. So it’s good because it gets me out of the house but it didn’t help getting a sunburn on my sunburn lol. So that was my Tuesday morning, when I got home I had bought a Timmies for my friend, when I went back to give it to her she was passed out. So I took her dog for a walk. If that wasn’t bad enough I ended up walking to my boyfriends house to give him some stuff he left here last weekend that he needed. So in all I walked 17.3 km, 27,517 steps… which is good but left me on crutches the next day.
Which also happened to be the day I saw the new knee specialist. So I get to his office on crutches, in pain, he sends me to get an xray of my hip. 45 mins of waiting to get the xray done and I’m back in his office. Apparently with all the scans and xrays there is no reason I should be in the amount of pain I’m in… well thank you very fucking much for that. So he’s sending me for another MRI on my knee and that’s it.
As for the pain, Advil and Tylenol spaced out so it doesn’t hurt my stomach.. love doctors, they are so helpful.
My mood has been fluctuating like crazy, part of it is the pain, part of it is the weather, part of it is feeding off the moods of people around me and the other part is that I’m just damaged goods. I’m ok with that.
Yesterday was gorgeous, I just wanted to walk around, but couldn’t because of the stupid crutches.. today pouring rain. Doesn’t that figure lol. I did get my garden going so I have spent as much time outside as I can, weather permitting.
For now off to clean the house, since my allergies are going crazy with the three cats, people cutting their grass and spring in general lol. Hopefully it won’t be as long between posts.
There is so much going on that I just haven’t been able to find the words to write. I know that I need to write more since it does help, it’s just been hard.
My daughter cut up her arms… again last night, by taking the blade from a pencil sharpener. She has a lot going on, however most of it sadly is her own fault. She had a boyfriend, who broke up with her, got back with her then dumped her again. She is now in the process of figuring out whether she wants to get back together with him. He apparently makes her happy. I told her to do whatever she wants, since she’s going to anyway. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, she is in her own selfish world. She has stopped opening up to me, but it’s ok because she opens up to this boy. Well, what exactly is this boy going to do to help her? Happy Mothers Day to me I guess. I’m at a loss of what to do, she has to find a better outlet then cutting, yet every suggestion I give her gets ignored.
I understand cutting, I used to cut and there are still times that I want to. Sadly cutting is not considered a Mental Health issue, therefore taking her to the hospital is pointless. They don’t have the means to deal with it here anyway she would be sent up to Hamilton, and then there is no way for me to see her. Even the last time she went to the hospital they didn’t do anything but change her meds. When we went to the walk in clinic to get a refill I asked for an increase, since she’s still on the lowest dose. Apparently because she has only been on it for a month, it’s too early….. that’s a first for me to hear that.
I am in the middle of finding a new doctor for us. So that puts a damper on things a bit.
As for me, I have a boyfriend, well an ex boyfriend that we got back together. It’s going well. He wants to be over more then I want him to be, only because I guess he’s finding out that having your own place isn’t as much fun as he thought lol. He’s bored a lot and likes being here since something is always going on here.
I’m so done with everything.
One of the worse days of my life, which says a lot since I have had many of those.
My daughter and I got into a huge fight in the morning which only escalated through out the day.
She found a way to got into messenger (I know not hard these days) and was talking back and forth to her boyfriend. She kept saying how she didn’t want to come home. So everything got blown out of proportion and she ended up telling her boyfriend to meet her at the mall after school.
I told her she needed to come home and talk. So when it was time for her to be home from the bus, she wasn’t and I went into freak out mode. Since she didn’t have her phone I had no clue where she was, how she was or what her state of mind was.
So I did what any parent would do and started heading towards the one location that I knew she was supposed to be.
I was lucky enough to meet her on the way there and she was crying the whole way home. Saying she didn’t deserve me because she always fucks up and whatever else.
When we got home my boyfriend was still here so I asked him to give us some time to work his out and do he left and found a place to sleep for the night.
So my daughter and I talked and worked something out. She is still grounded until at least Friday (which is weird for both of us since I have never had to ground her to the house before, since she never went anywhere) she gets her phone back but while she’s at home she’s only allowed to be on it in the living room. That part I gave up because that’s how she talks to her boyfriend and he does make her happy. So I’m juggling between punishment and her mood in general. As for the other electronics she has lost those.
It doesn’t help that I feel sorry for the kid that she’s dating. His parents apparently are always bitching at him, he goes without dinner and last night he was depressed.
So I was told that part of the reason my daughter doesn’t talk to me is because I tell everyone. Which I don’t but ok.. so I put it in writing that when she talks to me it will stay between her and I and just hope that is enough to get her to open up more to me. Yes she has been honest and open about where she has been going and with who, but I need more then that from her.
For now though things have hopefully settled down a bit.
Well life around here got interesting in a hurry. My daughter has a new boyfriend, I have an old boyfriend back in my life. My mood is dropping faster then I can stop it and no one seems to be paying attention to that.
So let’s start with me shall we? A week ago Sunday, an ex contacted me and wanted to talk. Now this particular ex, well we never had any real problems. We didn’t fight or argue or anything like that. The issue was his anger and the fact that he used to get into a ton of fights (over what I consider stupid things and none of his business) it finally got to the point where he was so busy fighting to protect others, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Hence we broke up. That was over 2+ years ago. So we met at the park and talked, during one of our latest thunderstorms the place that him and his “room mate” (ex girlfriend) were staying got flooded. So the landlord offered them a one bedroom for now with my boyfriend moving into his place supposedly today. Well now we are looking at another couple days, I have let him stay here until his place was ready so that he wasn’t stressed living with his ex, with the expectation that today he would have his own place and we could date, not live together. Ya so apparently that didn’t go as planned.
Then there is my daughter. For the first time she brought a guy home, shocking right. We have come to an understanding that truth and honesty will get you more then hiding and me finding out later. So fine, she brought him over and he stayed for dinner on Saturday, Sunday she went over to his house for the day. Only to be home at 8 instead of 7:30 like I told her too. Her excuse was she never got the answer back when she sent me the text asking. So automatic give me your phone. See the amazing thing about cell phones is that if the person isn’t answering your texts it has this neat ability to make phone calls!! Who would have guessed right. So, because apparently I was born yesterday I asked for her ipad as well, since the way that her and her boyfriend talk is through Facebook. So I get it and it’s her bedtime and I start reading their conversation. For the most part it was I love you crap, ok you can’t fall in love in a day but I get it, they are teenagers.
Then I get to one part where he’s talking about riding his bike over here at 3:00am Friday morning and she was going to sneak out of the house because she was feeling “rebellious” not impressed, but I read on. Then the day he was coming to meet me and she made a comment not to mention that anything about me being her “foster mom”… ummmm WTF!! That I have to admit hurt deep, I don’t even know why she would even think of saying that, of course when I asked her this morning I got the usual “I don’t know why I said it”. Finally when she got home on Sunday she sent him a message that she honestly didn’t even want to be home.
That one I got the answer for and that’s because of my boyfriend being here. She feels uncomfortable around him. Why I don’t know. I know that part of her issue with me getting back together with him is because the first time I apparently had a ton of nightmares that I couldn’t be woken up from. See this is where I may lose some of you. I am Wiccan, I am a white witch, meaning I don’t dabble in anything bad, no revenge (though I have been tempted lol) and no hexes or anything like that. I believe what you put out into the world comes back to you threefold. Therefore, everything I do is positive when it comes to spellwork. He however is a Warlock and has done black magic, and it seems that our energies don’t mesh well at times. He hasn’t done any black magic in years, (that I know of) but the fact is he still has. So she is scared that they are going to start up again. Frankly so am I, that’s why I want to date him not live with him. I like my space and my own bed and my quiet time. It’s just a matter of waiting until he can get into his own place.
From there we will see. There are other things that he does that I’m not exactly happy about, but I knew them going in and it’s a part of him. So like it or not I will just have to deal with it. As for my mental health.. perhaps that will be another post at another time.
When you suffer from Mental Illness, life is harder for you then those that don’t. The simple reason being that you’re mood can shift so quickly without knowing why. You can wake in a good mood, and for no reason that you can put your finger on you crash into a see of anger, or depression, or just plain blah.
I would love to go through one day where my mood just stayed level. Today was not one of those days, hell this month hasn’t had any of these days. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I can have a stable day.
You know it’s bad when the cats (especially Fatty, who is mine) drives me nuts and I end up yelling at him. The other cats are staying only because my daughter has become attached to them, and they seemed to have attached themselves more to her. So I will suck it up and pay the money for their food and vet bills (even though I’m on a fixed income, but a wicked budgeter) for her. There have been cats in the past that were supposed to hers, however they were kittens. I don’t have the patience anymore for kittens, so I gave them away to good homes.
My mind is just all over the place today. I told one guy that I was kind of seeing that as much as I liked hanging around him we were not compatible in the sex area, personally I thought that was going to be the end of talking for us, but he was pretty cool about it and is still coming over to watch a movie and apparently cook dinner tomorrow. (Provided he doesn’t have to work, then it’s just a movie)
I have been getting things off my chest that have been bugging me for a couple of weeks and at first my mood had been lifted… now once again it has crashed into not caring about anything. It’s a dangerous mood to be in, because in this mood I quickly switch to anger and back.
Anger has always been my go to emotion. It’s the one that I have lived with the longest and the one emotion I have no problems showing. The other ones, I’m not so much into showing though.
The one that always seems to elude me is happiness. I’m thinking it’s because 1. I don’t really know what it feels like and 2. I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. Talk about messed up in the head, I know what the issues are that I need to deal with, the biggest hurtle is changing a mind that has been almost 39 years in the making. I know that I WANT to be happy, I just don’t know how to obtain it. Fake it, sure that’s easy, but actually feel that emotion is the hard part.
Things with the ex as far as I’m concerned are done. Time to move on with the next chapter of our lives. My daughter finally sees that we aren’t getting back together, that and the cats her mood is better. However she is 14 and hides in her room like a hobbit most days.
Unless she wants to go spend my money.. lol.. she’s good at that.
This is Baily
And this is Jacky (she is the one that I provoked and got bit for, she is also the one that now needs to get a rabies shot)
I just made an appointment for the cat to get her rabies shot.. $128 dollars!! For the vet visit and the shot. So glad I got these stupid cats lol
So now I also found out that the food I feed Fatty (the king of the home) has no substitute that doesn’t have chicken (which one of the new ones is allergic to) so that means $66 for his food and whatever it is for their food. I can handle that, it’s just keeping them all away from each others food lol, that is proving difficult!
So apparently I am the person to go to.. to call, to whatever when someone is pissed off about something else. I just got my own door slammed in my face from the friend that lives in the back apartments.
I get it she’s pissed.. just as she knocked on the door, her son called me in tears (he’s 18 and hates when he cries) He’s coming home from school because he got in trouble for leaving the school grounds to go get his friends phone with him.
So he’s on his way home, and my friend started yelling that he didn’t want to deal with this B.S. She wouldn’t even talk to her son, so as he was telling me to apologise to her for him, I get my door slammed in my face.
I get it, you’re pissed off about something, however I have been nothing but supportive for you and your son since you moved in. I am so not impressed right now, I don’t think it’s fair that I have to feel the brunt of you’re anger when it has nothing to do with me.
This is why I don’t like or understand people.
Today I get to go get food for the cats, plus for us. On top of everything else I have to get a rabies shot for one of the new cats because she bit me because I scared her. I have to wait until next week though since she is quarantined for 10 days. How awesome is that!!