So there are many things that are against someone that lives with mental illness. Whether it’s the crippling anxiety that keeps you stuck in one place because you are just physically unable to move. Or the incredible swings of emotions that range from anger out of the blue, to down right want to curl up into a ball depression or just existing. Let us not forget the stigma that is surrounded by mental health, even with all the “good” people are doing trying to get it talked about. Talking about it doesn’t change the stigma, nor does it make people more compassionate.
Now even with depression you have your good days where the day is just good and you have moments of peace and some degree of happiness.
However, in my opinion, I think the worse thing about depression is the suicidal thoughts. Whether you are going to act on them or not, they are always there some times deep enough that you don’t think of them, other times they are at the fore front of every thought that you have. When you are having these thoughts, not to act on, but just because they like to poke their ugly faces up every once in awhile just to remind you that they are there. You can look at your life and KNOW that it’s not bad, you have a roof over your head, you have people that love you in your life, there is some food in the house, basically life right at this moment when you are thinking of suicide that life could be much, much, worse. It doesn’t make you feel any better.
You may or may not have that one person that you can go to and let them know that these thoughts keep poking up, but then there is the thought that you don’t want to burden them. They are a thought, however that’s all they are at that moment. You have no idea WHY you are thinking it and you aren’t planning on actually attempting, so why bring it up at all?
So where exactly does that leave you? Alone with your thoughts, try as you might it just keeps circling around and around in your head.
How do you train your brain for it not go straight to that thought when the stress in your life gets high, or something else is bugging you? Yes there are groups in most hospitals for out patient therapy to help “rewire” your brain, yet the wait list is so long and then once in the group you are in it with a bunch of strangers, where of course if you suffer from anxiety on top of everything else is never a good thing. It doesn’t make you feel like opening up and talking about what’s going on in that messed up head of yours, so you are once again trapped in the never ending cycle of being trapped within your own thoughts.