Blah..

When you suffer from Mental Illness, life is harder for you then those that don’t. The simple reason being that you’re mood can shift so quickly without knowing why. You can wake in a good mood, and for no reason that you can put your finger on you crash into a see of anger, or depression, or just plain blah.

I would love to go through one day where my mood just stayed level. Today was not one of those days, hell this month hasn’t had any of these days. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I can have a stable day.

You know it’s bad when the cats (especially Fatty, who is mine) drives me nuts and I end up yelling at him. The other cats are staying only because my daughter has become attached to them, and they seemed to have attached themselves more to her. So I will suck it up and pay the money for their food and vet bills (even though I’m on a fixed income, but a wicked budgeter) for her. There have been cats in the past that were supposed to hers, however they were kittens. I don’t have the patience anymore for kittens, so I gave them away to good homes.

My mind is just all over the place today. I told one guy that I was kind of seeing that as much as I liked hanging around him we were not compatible in the sex area, personally I thought that was going to be the end of talking for us, but he was pretty cool about it and is still coming over to watch a movie and apparently cook dinner tomorrow. (Provided he doesn’t have to work, then it’s just a movie)

I have been getting things off my chest that have been bugging me for a couple of weeks and at first my mood had been lifted… now once again it has crashed into not caring about anything. It’s a dangerous mood to be in, because in this mood I quickly switch to anger and back.

Anger has always been my go to emotion. It’s the one that I have lived with the longest and the one emotion I have no problems showing. The other ones, I’m not so much into showing though.

The one that always seems to elude me is happiness. I’m thinking it’s because 1. I don’t really know what it feels like and 2. I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. Talk about messed up in the head, I know what the issues are that I need to deal with, the biggest hurtle is changing a mind that has been almost 39 years in the making. I know that I WANT to be happy, I just don’t know how to obtain it. Fake it, sure that’s easy, but actually feel that emotion is the hard part.

Things with the ex as far as I’m concerned are done. Time to move on with the next chapter of our lives. My daughter finally sees that we aren’t getting back together, that and the cats her mood is better. However she is 14 and hides in her room like a hobbit most days.

Unless she wants to go spend my money.. lol.. she’s good at that.

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This is Baily

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And this is Jacky (she is the one that I provoked and got bit for, she is also the one that now needs to get a rabies shot)

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