Last night I was putting bands in my daughters hair because one of her friends did little corn rows on one side of her head. I just happened to see her arm and she cut… again..
She said that it was awhile ago, yet from looking at them it really wasn’t that long ago. So everything sharp is once again put away. I asked her what was going on when she felt the urge. got the usual “I don’t know” answer and I told her once again she needs to talk to me about things. If she feels like cutting, even if she doesn’t know why at least tell me that she feels like cutting. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say, I could see it in her face.
I reminded her that she has the mailbox on the door if she doesn’t want to say something right to my face, but still needs to talk about it. All the help that I’m trying to get for her, she’s not using it. I can’t help her if she isn’t willing to help herself.
So after seeing that last night, it prompted me to check out her history on her tablet and her computer. She is in the middle of writing a story and so far it’s about a guy that had a friend commit suicide. I know that writing is a form of therapy for her, so I’m not sure what to think of that. However, looking through her history on her tablet made me want to chuck the thing across the room. She was looking into this site called Omegela or something like that and basically you can text or video chat with random strangers. My friend went on it and she said she was a 14 year old girl and the stranger that she got connected to was a 17 year old male. In less then a minute the guy uncovered his camera on his end and he was stretched out butt naked and hard. My friend slammed her laptop shut.
Now if this wasn’t disturbing enough, her search history.. diaper fetish, paedophilia, gore fetish, among other things. So needless to say she once again has lost all the electronics, I haven’t gotten a hold of her phone yet, since she’s at school. That will be searched and dealt with then.
So like I said… I gave her things back with the expectation that my trust would not be broken again. I get it, she’s 14 and curious about herself, however the things that she is doing is beyond dangerous. It makes me wonder what all she is doing with things like snapchat and whatever else the kids are doing these days.
I am so beyond done, my blood pressure I’m sure is through the roof and I have a wicked migraine. I’m at the point where I want her committed again, the only problem is that she will be sent out of town and they usually only keep her for about a week.. what the hell is that going to do to fix her.
I have met a guy that is helping me with my math. All I get from her is that she doesn’t trust guys because of my ex.. I get that, but not everyone is like that. Then the things that she says makes me feel like I’m being manipulated by her, that I’m suppose to be alone with just the two of us forever, that I’m not allowed to be with someone and happy.
He’s helping me with math and she’s asking me a week after we met if I love him.. I’m not 14 I don’t develop feelings for ANYONE that fast. Never mind a guy that is awesome at making me understand the gibberish they call math that I have to learn.
I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do anymore. On a more positive note I guess, FACS is coming to talk to my daughter on Monday after school and our file is being closed. On the not so positive side, I still haven’t heard from her therapist to see when that’s going to get going, I was supposed to hear from her this week, only she doesn’t work Thursday or Friday.. seriously???