While the verdict may be in..

I feel like crap. I admitted to my daughter this morning that the reason that this is so hard for me, is because I’m her mom. It’s my job to protect her. In this case either way I failed at that part and I’m taking it hard, which I already knew I would.

Last night when we got home the neighbour came by and we were talking about what’s going on with her and the whole time my daughter was saying how bored she was. Every suggestion that we gave her she said no to. She ended up going to the back and helping out with the kids, that itself is a messed up situation. I ended up passing out and then of course at bedtime as exhausted as I still was, I couldn’t sleep. I wish there was an off switch for my brain.

I never talked to my ex last night because I just couldn’t deal with that conversation and thankfully he is working again today. He sees it just from his point of view, where I am seeing it from both views as well as having to deal with myself.

So maybe the way that she was acting was her way of dealing with the situation. You know because nothing actually happened, besides words she doesn’t see it as a big deal, which would explain the way that she acted afterwards. So seeing it from that point of view it’s possible.

However, as a mother having someone say something inappropriate or doing something to your child is a hard thing to except since you are the one that brought this person into their lives.

The workers concern was that he had any sort of sexual talk while in the car with her without me being present. While we have all three sat down and talked about it, that’s different because me (as the bio-logical parent) it’s ok. The fact that he is in no way related to her is where the problem lies. It doesn’t matter if he was acting in the parental role, doesn’t matter that she asked him questions about sex and stuff before actual intercourse. The fact remains that he is not related to her. He is not her actual parent, even if he is stepping up to the plate where her bio-logical father did not.

So what happens next I don’t know. I left a message for her counsellor and am going to tell her what the worker said so that it can now be approached that way. I don’t think we are ever going to get to the bottom of this since it’s a he said/she said kind of deal. The worker is either going to tell my ex that he almost crossed a line and to be careful in any other relationships where kids are involved, or that he did cross a line. If it’s decided that he did cross the line, I don’t know what happens next.

The worker asked me if the relationship was over and I said yes. One because he doesn’t even want to see her and two because it just was.  I did admit that he comes to the house because his truck is in the drive way with his stuff in it, however it’s always when she is at school.

I feel lost, either way as unfair of it to put it on myself I fucked up. I know that what happened in the car is beyond my control but at the same time he is someone I brought back into our lives.

3 thoughts on “While the verdict may be in..

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