Sorry more swearing.

So once again I got played for a fucking fool by my 14 year old. Yesterday when she was out with one of her “friends” it turns out she lied and was actually out with a guy. Who now comes up as her boyfriend on her cell. Just wait, that’s only the beginning. The whole getting texted dumped on Instagram thing, I told her to remove the girl from her list and block her. Turns out not only did she not remove her she didn’t block her either. So on one of her pics, this girls sent the whole heart eyes emoji, and then my daughter proceeded to text one of her friends how pissed off she was about it.

See normally she is not allowed to have any internet on her phone to begin with, I know that at school she goes on it, but at home she isn’t allowed. Well, I thought (first mistake) that since she was doing well as far as being open and honest, and not having so much attitude I would be nice (second mistake) and give her back her internet at home.

Big fucking mistake that was. Thankfully there was no porn watching, but this is still a betrayal of my trust once again. One of the rules that there has always been for her cell is that there are to be NO texts deleted. Well, wouldn’t you know there was a bunch of texts deleted. Why? She wanted some privacy, well in any normal circumstance I get a teen wanting privacy, but we are not in a normal circumstance. We are in an area that depression, cutting and suicidal thoughts are in play, therefore privacy is out the window.

I am doing not so hot, I was bad yesterday with my mood, but I was able to bring it up near the end of the night and today once again it’s come crashing down. My fiance didn’t come to bed last night because he apparently got into the shows he was watching and Sniper Elite 4 (our newest game), hey at least it wasn’t my fault. So now he’s not going to bed because he’s worried about me.

I told my daughter that I have put so much energy into making sure that she was ok, that the appointments she needed were made and that she was taking her meds on time, that I was not taking care of myself like I should be. Apparently since she came out of the hospital in January there have been 3 fucking times that I was ready to go to the hospital myself. I thought it was only once, but my memory sucks, so I’m going to go based on what he says.

I’m at the point where everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. Perhaps she isn’t into the depression side of things, perhaps it’s just the stress of the new school and the shit the boys are saying to her that’s making her want to cut. Perhaps that’s why the meds aren’t working. Like I told her though that whether she is telling the truth about the severity of her depression or not, I’m not willing to take that chance.

At the same time though, when is enough enough? I am suffering now more  then ever, because I’m putting more effort into making sure she’s ok, then taking care of myself. I don’t get it. She was doing so well until yesterday. I had a feeling last night about her phone that goes into our room at night, but just left it so I could try and get some sleep. This morning I checked it though.. and fuck me, I got lied to again. The friend that she said she was going out with was actually on her way to Toronto to pick up her sister. Then she gets a text from her “boyfriend” (yes that’s the name that she has for him) asking “Hey baby, you awake?”

So what else is she lying to me about, why do I feel like shit for trusting her. I try and help her and get shit on in return, yes I know that she’s a 14 year old teen, that does not however give her the right do make me feel like shit every chance she gets.

Give her an inch and she takes a mile. So now I once again have to figure out how to pull myself up so I don’t crash so far that I can’t. I’m fucking done. The trust is once again gone. She’s 14 fucking years old and I have been dealing with this shit since she was 9. You would think that I would stop being surprised by it, but apparently I’m not.

Now I have my fiance sleep deprived and worried about me. I’m worried about me and I can’t even look at my daughter right now. I’m angry and sad and feel worthless and have doubts of my parenting ability, perhaps I wasn’t meant to be a parent, maybe that’s why I don’t have my other 2 kids in my life like I want them to be.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can feel myself giving up, and that is NEVER a good thing. The thoughts of how many meds that are in the house just play over and over in my mind.

One thought on “Sorry more swearing.

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