Not Impressed

It’s never an easy thing to tell your loved one that you are depressed and suicidal. Especially when you don’t know why.

So yes, he made supper last night while I escaped into my video games, and yes he did the dishes after I attempted to go to bed. Although while doing the dishes apparently I snuck up on him a little to quietly and scared the poop out of him. All I wanted was a hug. It was not my intention to scare him.

My mind would not shut down at all last night, no matter what I tried. I usually have this problem since I have insomnia, however last night was especially bad and none of my tricks worked. It was useless stuff that I was thinking about too, which makes it worse. It wasn’t worries about anything, it wasn’t even really thoughts of depression and suicide. It was stuff like my daughters report card coming out on the 15th, which I already basically know all her marks anyway. The stupid stuff.

So I woke up at 530 this morning and he wasn’t in bed. In fact he was on the couch, so as usual I expected that he fell asleep watching tv which is the norm these days. Nope, he was awake and was awake pretty much the whole night. So now he is in bed sleeping and will probably only wake up once our daughter gets home from school.

I know that when you have nothing to say as to why you are feeling the way you do, it’s hard for someone to support you. However, I am now alone with the sound of him snoring and thinking “the bad thoughts”.

So what do you do when you are feeling this way, and not sure why? How do you get support from someone when you can’t explain it. He tells me to think of what I’m doing at the time that I start feeling this way. Well the problem with that is that I’m usually just sitting here playing my games, or maybe cleaning or doing some other random thing that should not trigger me. I know that a lot of my issues are on a sub-conscious level, so if I don’t know what’s triggering me how do I stop it?

It doesn’t help that after all this time he has limited knowledge of mental health in general and doesn’t seem to be willing or care enough to do even a little research. I need to find a way to unblock whatever it is that I have blocked in my head and pushed way down, but I don’t even know where to start.

hope1

6 thoughts on “Not Impressed

  1. Talking about it is an important start. I find blogging (or just writing in general) about it is such a great way to process the feelings that you don’t otherwise know how to communicate. Does he read your blog?

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  2. I have always wrote in one form or another, most of the time I find that texting him or writing him a note helps. It’s hard to talk to him sometimes, because like I said I get tired of saying “I don’t know” No he doesn’t even know about this blog. No one I personally know does, that way I can write without being judged.

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  3. I totally understand. Sometimes it is nice to have a bit of anonymity. That’s a good idea about writing him notes! It would give you a bit more time to think about and express your thoughts and feelings. That way you are not pressured to come up with something on the spot.

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  4. I totally get what you’re going through when you get triggered doing random chores. Sometimes that happens to me. Who knows why…A good book to read is” The Courage to Heal” by Ellen Bass. It has helped many people. I’ve been with my partner 12 years and he has never learned anything about my mental health and abuse issues either.

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