It’s never an easy thing to tell your loved one that you are depressed and suicidal. Especially when you don’t know why.
So yes, he made supper last night while I escaped into my video games, and yes he did the dishes after I attempted to go to bed. Although while doing the dishes apparently I snuck up on him a little to quietly and scared the poop out of him. All I wanted was a hug. It was not my intention to scare him.
My mind would not shut down at all last night, no matter what I tried. I usually have this problem since I have insomnia, however last night was especially bad and none of my tricks worked. It was useless stuff that I was thinking about too, which makes it worse. It wasn’t worries about anything, it wasn’t even really thoughts of depression and suicide. It was stuff like my daughters report card coming out on the 15th, which I already basically know all her marks anyway. The stupid stuff.
So I woke up at 530 this morning and he wasn’t in bed. In fact he was on the couch, so as usual I expected that he fell asleep watching tv which is the norm these days. Nope, he was awake and was awake pretty much the whole night. So now he is in bed sleeping and will probably only wake up once our daughter gets home from school.
I know that when you have nothing to say as to why you are feeling the way you do, it’s hard for someone to support you. However, I am now alone with the sound of him snoring and thinking “the bad thoughts”.
So what do you do when you are feeling this way, and not sure why? How do you get support from someone when you can’t explain it. He tells me to think of what I’m doing at the time that I start feeling this way. Well the problem with that is that I’m usually just sitting here playing my games, or maybe cleaning or doing some other random thing that should not trigger me. I know that a lot of my issues are on a sub-conscious level, so if I don’t know what’s triggering me how do I stop it?
It doesn’t help that after all this time he has limited knowledge of mental health in general and doesn’t seem to be willing or care enough to do even a little research. I need to find a way to unblock whatever it is that I have blocked in my head and pushed way down, but I don’t even know where to start.