So after getting the lecture from my fiance I have done some inner soul searching. It is selfish of me to be jealous of their relationship and I’m happy that my daughter has someone to talk to.
However, realising and accepting this has done nothing to keep the downward spiral of my mood. Last night my daughter asked if I was still tired after taking a 2 hour nap, for the first time really I was kind of honest with her. I told her I was depressed, when she asked why I said “I don’t know”. Her being part of the reason is not something that I wanted her to know because I didn’t want to hurt or upset her at all. Plus like I said that was only part of the reason so why bring it up?
After sleeping another 10+ hours (I went to bed after dinner again) I’m not in any better shape then I was yesterday. The fact that she confides in him however, is no longer in play for my depression, which in theory should make it easier to pull myself out of it.
I know that sleeping all the time is bad, however I totally lost that battle yesterday. I couldn’t keep my eyes open no matter how much I tried. Today is another day however! While I may still be depressed, I know that I’m the only one that can change it. It’s hard to talk about what’s going on in your head when you don’t even know. Is it the past haunting me, is it something going on now, is it the weather?? As hard as I try I just can’t put my finger on it.
Life is stressful right now, but then again when isn’t it? My daughter wore a short sleeve shirt this morning and once again I saw the cuts on her arms, though they are feint, they are still a reminder that in a round about way I felt that feeling again that I failed her. I know that if she doesn’t ask for help there isn’t anything that we can do, and the fact that we are taking every precaution that we can to help keep her safe, she is (like myself) in control of getting help when it’s needed.
The VP talked to her about the boy that has been bugging her the most, and while the VP asked her what she wanted to be done about it, she gave her usual answer of “I don’t know”. She made the comment at home that she wasn’t used to having that kind of power, so we explained it’s not about power, it’s about what you need to feel safe at school.
I know that the VP talked to the boy, I don’t know if she gave my daughters name or not and I’m not sure the actual outcome of all this. We told our daughter that the reason some kids are mean could be because they are having problems in their own lives (which in this case is apparently true) and they feel that they need to be mean to other kids to feel better about themselves. Not an excuse to bully someone but lets face it some kids can just be mean.
So today is the day that I attempt to get myself out of this depression. I need to do it not only for myself but for my family that depends on me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just move on with life. The hard part is letting go of some stuff. No matter how much counselling or how much talking I do, I just can’t let go of parts of my past and it’s dragging me down more often then I want.