I have been in therapy enough to know the saying “the past is the past and you need to let it go” The problem with this is that no matter how hard I try I can’t just let things go. So I’m stuck in the vicious cycle of reliving the past and letting it bring me down. I know that I need to let it go and I tell myself over and over that what’s done is done and you can’t change it anyway, so why let it impact today?
There are things that I have done and things that were done to me that I’m not proud of, I’m ashamed of, yet they have made me the person that I am today. You know the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” well if that’s the case I could beat up even Thor. Yet it doesn’t keep it from haunting me and wearing on me.
The person that I want to be, the happy, smiling, fun person, is something that I have never been. Yes I’m happy with the man in my life, and yes I’m happy with my daughter, even with the struggles we are facing. But overall I’m not a joyful person. Something that I would like to change but just don’t know how.
It’s not an easy thing to change your personality that has been build up for the last 38 years, even though I keep telling myself what I want, and the fact that I am the only one that can change the way I think and see the world. It’s not working! So I sit here in my dark mind of my own creation and the little things that I should be happy about turn into things that make me jealous and bitter.
The whole thing with my daughter and my fiance being the prime subject right now. I’m jealous of it, I’m hurt and angry that she doesn’t come to be. I’m the cook and the cleaner but other then that I don’t feel like I really have a point in this house. Again, something I need to change in regards to how I think.
Parenting is a selfless job and I get that, but some appreciation for all that I do would be nice. It almost feels like the only way anyone would notice that I’m gone is because dinner isn’t made or the house isn’t clean or my daughter doesn’t take her pills when she’s supposed to.
So while trying to raise my daughter up and get her the help she needs, I apparently am sinking faster then I thought and getting danger low. The things that I usually do to get my out of it are no longer working and that scares the crap out of me. At this point I’m not sure what to do to get me back up to where I need to be mentally.