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When you suffer from Mental Illness, life is harder for you then those that don’t. The simple reason being that you’re mood can shift so quickly without knowing why. You can wake in a good mood, and for no reason that you can put your finger on you crash into a see of anger, or depression, or just plain blah.

I would love to go through one day where my mood just stayed level. Today was not one of those days, hell this month hasn’t had any of these days. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I can have a stable day.

You know it’s bad when the cats (especially Fatty, who is mine) drives me nuts and I end up yelling at him. The other cats are staying only because my daughter has become attached to them, and they seemed to have attached themselves more to her. So I will suck it up and pay the money for their food and vet bills (even though I’m on a fixed income, but a wicked budgeter) for her. There have been cats in the past that were supposed to hers, however they were kittens. I don’t have the patience anymore for kittens, so I gave them away to good homes.

My mind is just all over the place today. I told one guy that I was kind of seeing that as much as I liked hanging around him we were not compatible in the sex area, personally I thought that was going to be the end of talking for us, but he was pretty cool about it and is still coming over to watch a movie and apparently cook dinner tomorrow. (Provided he doesn’t have to work, then it’s just a movie)

I have been getting things off my chest that have been bugging me for a couple of weeks and at first my mood had been lifted… now once again it has crashed into not caring about anything. It’s a dangerous mood to be in, because in this mood I quickly switch to anger and back.

Anger has always been my go to emotion. It’s the one that I have lived with the longest and the one emotion I have no problems showing. The other ones, I’m not so much into showing though.

The one that always seems to elude me is happiness. I’m thinking it’s because 1. I don’t really know what it feels like and 2. I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. Talk about messed up in the head, I know what the issues are that I need to deal with, the biggest hurtle is changing a mind that has been almost 39 years in the making. I know that I WANT to be happy, I just don’t know how to obtain it. Fake it, sure that’s easy, but actually feel that emotion is the hard part.

Things with the ex as far as I’m concerned are done. Time to move on with the next chapter of our lives. My daughter finally sees that we aren’t getting back together, that and the cats her mood is better. However she is 14 and hides in her room like a hobbit most days.

Unless she wants to go spend my money.. lol.. she’s good at that.

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This is Baily

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And this is Jacky (she is the one that I provoked and got bit for, she is also the one that now needs to get a rabies shot)

Holy Expensive Batman

I just made an appointment for the cat to get her rabies shot.. $128 dollars!! For the vet visit and the shot. So glad I got these stupid cats lol

So now I also found out that the food I feed Fatty (the king of the home) has no substitute that doesn’t have chicken (which one of the new ones is allergic to) so that means $66 for his food and whatever it is for their food. I can handle that, it’s just keeping them all away from each others food lol, that is proving difficult!

WTF!!!

So apparently I am the person to go to.. to call, to whatever when someone is pissed off about something else. I just got my own door slammed in my face from the friend that lives in the back apartments.

I get it she’s pissed.. just as she knocked on the door, her son called me in tears (he’s 18 and hates when he cries) He’s coming home from school because he got in trouble for leaving the school grounds to go get his friends phone with him.

So he’s on his way home, and my friend started yelling that he didn’t want to deal with this B.S. She wouldn’t even talk to her son, so as he was telling me to apologise to her for him, I get my door slammed in my face.

I get it, you’re pissed off about something, however I have been nothing but supportive for you and your son since you moved in. I am so not impressed right now, I don’t think it’s fair that I have to feel the brunt of you’re anger when it has nothing to do with me.

This is why I don’t like or understand people.

Today I get to go get food for the cats, plus for us. On top of everything else I have to get a rabies shot for one of the new cats because she bit me because I scared her. I have to wait until next week though since she is quarantined for 10 days. How awesome is that!!

Life as we know it..

So as crazy as it may sound.. I’m trying the whole dating thing.. and honestly it sucks. They either want to just have sex with you, or want you to move in before they even meet you. Seriously.. What has happened to the dating world. It’s one side or the other, with no in between. I’m not looking for a one night stand, I’m not looking to move into someone that I just started talking to.

Anyway, I think my daughters new meds are kicking in. I think a lot of her problem is that she gets so caught up in what other people think of her, instead of removing herself from the negative comments she is almost obsessed with finding out what people are saying about her. When she does find things out, she goes on and on about it.

She apparently got told once again to kill herself by her ex-boyfriend, and has screen shots of him saying on I think instagram of him telling her that she just cuts to get attention. So she called me on Thursday from school (which she has never done before) to tell me what was going on with the social worker with her. This is when I found out about the screen shots. She was supposed to email them to the V.P of the school, which I ended up doing.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I have a lock on my bedroom door so that I can leave her alone again and not worry about her doing anything. Yes if she really wants to get in it wouldn’t be hard, however I would know. She is being more open with me, which is good. She has her first counselling appointment next Monday, which she doesn’t want to go to since she doesn’t like to talk about herself and what’s going on with her.

Things are frustrating all around. Thankfully no word or communication from the ex, his truck is towed and out of site, which helped my daughters mood to begin with. Then his cell was turned off, I was expecting him to come and put a fight. Thankfully there was nothing. I think I showed my daughter that we aren’t getting back together, which also helped her mood.

So while her mood is becoming stable, mine is dropping like a rock thrown into the water. I’m trying to stay strong and balanced, not working so well. I have been binge watching Blacklist, yes I should be sleeping yet here we are watching tv lol.

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Hopefully the end of this chapter…

Yesterday, the exes truck FINALLY got towed away!!! I played dumb since he stopped by earlier that day to get some of the stuff out. He was PISSED! I sent him a text and basically said “Hey, I just woke up, thanks for getting the truck. I’ll let the landlord know, thanks again” kind of thing. Since through this whole 2 week process of trying to get the stupid thing towed my name was never mentioned.

He demanded I call the landlord and said that one way or another the landlord was going to pay for it. So I did call the landlord, only to let him know what was going on. When I texted the ex back as to where his truck was he went off on me, stating he knows the law and blah blah blah. Well needless to say I was pissed. He had NO right to yell at me, when he had had ample time to get the piece of crap moved. Not my fault he didn’t have the money.

So what did I do?? I disconnected his cell phone, since that is on my account. So technically it’s my phone. Yes, sadly I still have to pay for it, however I don’t have to hear from him anymore. The only thing I’m worried about now is that he will just show up. I’m afraid to leave the house right now.

My daughter still went to school today as usual, since her bus stop is just around the corner, I asked if she wanted me to talk her and keep an eye on her from a distance (don’t want to embarrass her) she said no.

So, hopefully that is the end of this chapter. I thought my life of living in fear from a man was over.. apparently I was wrong. So now it’s wait to see if he does anything stupid.

As of right now his phone has been blacklisted, and removed from my account with the cell phone company. I am on the ball tonight.

Way too much to handle…

My daughter got out of the hospital on Monday, honestly I didn’t want her to come home. Why?? Because she wasn’t sure if she could safely come home. However, the doctor didn’t seem to care to much about that, so he gave her a new med since the old one obviously wasn’t working. So we were walking home and I had her in tears, I told her why I was so worried about her cutting.

I was/am scared that one of these times she is going to cut too deep and that will be it. She doesn’t seem to taking any of this seriously. So while I felt bad for walking home with her in tears from the hospital. I was ready to turn around and admit her again and have her sent up to Hamilton.

See part of why the doctor sent her home was because I had already set up an appointment with her new counsellor. Which is useless since My daughter doesn’t want to talk to anyone, apparently it’s pointless and she doesn’t like to talk about herself. She is basing this on one useless group a couple years ago and the bridge counsellor that she was seeing. So yes, those two things may not have helped her, but that doesn’t mean that talking about your problems to the right person is bad.

So Tuesday FACS came. The file is closed since there is no protection concern since I did everything I was supposed to. It was also on this day that I had someone over to help me with my math that the ex apparently wanted to come by and get crap from his truck. I didn’t hear the texts since I have him on “Do not disturb”. So while I get his texts my phone doesn’t go off. So ya, his last text was “Hope he treats you properly”

I’m like seriously?? First none of your business as to who I have in my house, and to jump to the conclusion that 1. It’s a guy (which okay it was but, still) 2. That I’m sleeping with him and dating him (which I’m haven’t slept with him and we aren’t dating) I didn’t respond, what’s the point, I owe him nothing. In fact I just want that truck gone, however the landlord is dragging his to get it towed. I was told today or Monday. Whatever I’m about to go over his head and talk to his dad, who is the one that rented me this place and the real landlord.

Wednesday my daughter went to school and all was well. Today though, I woke up at 1pm after going to bed at 10pm the night before. I know that’s a bad, thing and I was right. Depression has hit hard this time, I’m trying to stay ahead of it.

Now I just found out that just over an hour ago, my daughter got a snap chat from a friend that she used to go school with.. it said “goodbye”. And he killed himself, my daughter is so upset she was crying in my arms. She feels like she should have done more to help him, and I kept saying that there wasn’t anything more that she could do to help him and this is why suicide is not an option. I’m hoping as sad as it is that this 13 year old took his life, that it opens her eyes to what happens to the people that are left behind.

I couldn’t imagine what the parents are feeling, but it opens up my eyes to what could happen if she goes down that path. It opens up my eyes to the pain that I put people through with all my attempts. It’s weird though because even though I have been through the attempts, and I suffer from depression, I don’t know what to say to her. It’s heartbreaking.

Yesterday..

Yesterday I went and saw my daughter in the hospital, she kept saying that she wanted to come home. Which I would too, but she has been formed for 72 hours. They took away everything but her reading books.

Last night I brought her Tim Hortons, and today she wants me to bring her A&W. I’m putting off going to see her, it’s hard. I was in tears when I left and the house feels empty without her.

I’m lost and scared and have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow.IMG_0406

Swearing involved..

So last night was a shit storm, the health care system in this area for adults sucks ass, for teens it’s basically non- existent. I took my daughter to the hospital at about 5pm and got home out at 4am in the morning.

A friend of mine was nice enough to bring my daughter Wendy’s at about 1am and kept asking me if I wanted anything. So he ended up bringing her real food instead of the hospital bag supper that was nasty. He then stayed until and drove me home.

So what happened at the hospital.. After triage, they got her into the back room where they beginning process of the psychiatric process begins. Within the hour I got booted out of the room so that my daughter could talk to the ER doctor.  I went outside for a smoke, when I got back the doctor had just left and apparently asked my daughter if I was planning on taking her home. She of course she said no. Within the hour the psychiatric nurse kicked my out of the room again and sat and walked with my daughter for about 30 mins. When she was done she came into the hall and talked to me, she told me that my daughter was really smart and knew her stuff. She had the basic grasp of the family history for mental health, as well as the meds that she was on.

So we were told that it shouldn’t be long for the psychiatric doc to see her. All this was done before about 8pm. At 12:30am the psychiatric doctor finally got to my daughter, he took us into this tiny office to talk to her.  She was open about everything and showed him her cuts, he then asked me right in front of her family history, stuff that she didn’t know all of. It seemed he was more curious about it then anything,  he was ready to send her home. I had to fight with him, because I told him that she could not guarantee her safety. She already told me that if we went home there was no way that she could say with 100% certainty that she would be safe.

So I told the doctor that, he looked at her and asked if she was able to contract her safety at home.. She had no idea what he was talking about so I had to ask it in English. She said no, so he seemed almost pissed, he said he would be right back with her paperwork. When he came back he made a point of showing her all the pages that he had to fill out to get her admitted, seriously?? That is your biggest concern, fucking idiot.

So finally a security guard came down and we just had to wait for the porter to take her upstairs. When we finally got to her room, the guard sat outside of her room and the nurse started asking my daughter some questions, just general ones. She asked me if I was staying the night, I said no and my daughter wasn’t too happy about that. It’s not that I didn’t want to be with her, it’s that 1. I hate hospitals, 2. I didn’t have my meds and 3. I need her to stop using me for a crutch so much. She needs to learn to find coping skills that work for her.

I feel really bad leaving her there, seeing as how there will be a guard outside her door, she is NOT allowed to leave her room and I haven’t gone yet to see her. I know what it’s like to be alone in the hospital and it sucks ass. I’m her mom I’m supposed to support her and it’s not like she is in a place where there are kids her age going through the same thing. There was another guard outside the door next to her room, which means she’s not the only teen on that floor that is there for psych, but unlike MacMaster there are no programs or support to help her learn new skills or coping mechanisms.. nothing.

So she has her books, her journals and that’s about it. They didn’t even check her bag, last time in January she wasn’t allowed to have some of the stuff that she brought (pencil a spiral notebook) in her room at all, they went through every inch of that bag and even took out the sweat pants because they had a string. This time nothing, it’s almost like they don’t care. I want my daughter to get help not feel fucking isolated.

Fucking stupid ass health care system… new hospital and no psych ward for teen. You have to be 17 to go to the psych ward here, otherwise you get shipped off to another city.

Give her an inch… she will take a mile…

Last night I was putting bands in my daughters hair because one of her friends did little corn rows on one side of her head. I just happened to see her arm and she cut… again..

She said that it was awhile ago, yet from looking at them it really wasn’t that long ago. So everything sharp is once again put away. I asked her what was going on when she felt the urge. got the usual “I don’t know” answer and I told her once again she needs to talk to me about things. If she feels like cutting, even if she doesn’t know why at least tell me that she feels like cutting. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say, I could see it in her face.

I reminded her that she has the mailbox on the door if she doesn’t want to say something right to my face, but still needs to talk about it. All the help that I’m trying to get for her, she’s not using it. I can’t help her if she isn’t willing to help herself.

So after seeing that last night, it prompted me to check out her history on her tablet and her computer. She is in the middle of writing a story and so far it’s about a guy that had a friend commit suicide. I know that writing is a form of therapy for her, so I’m not sure what to think of that. However, looking through her history on her tablet made me want to chuck the thing across the room. She was looking into this site called Omegela or something like that and basically you can text or video chat with random strangers. My friend went on it and she said she was a 14 year old girl and the stranger that she got connected to was a 17 year old male.  In less then a minute the guy uncovered his camera on his end and he was stretched out butt naked and hard. My friend slammed her laptop shut.

Now if this wasn’t disturbing enough, her search history.. diaper fetish, paedophilia, gore fetish, among other things. So needless to say she once again has lost all the electronics, I haven’t gotten a hold of her phone yet, since she’s at school. That will be searched and dealt with then.

So like I said… I gave her things back with the expectation that my trust would not be broken again. I get it, she’s 14 and curious about herself, however the things that she is doing is beyond dangerous.  It makes me wonder what all she is doing with things like snapchat and whatever else the kids are doing these days.

I am so beyond done, my blood pressure I’m sure is through the roof and I have a wicked migraine. I’m at the point where I want her committed again, the only problem is that she will be sent out of town and they usually only keep her for about a week.. what the hell is that going to do to fix her.

I have met a guy that is helping me with my math. All I get from her is that she doesn’t trust guys because of my ex.. I get that, but not everyone is like that. Then the things that she says makes me feel like I’m being manipulated by her, that I’m suppose to be alone with just the two of us forever, that I’m not allowed to be with someone and happy.

He’s helping me with math and she’s asking me a week after we met if I love him.. I’m not 14 I don’t develop feelings for ANYONE that fast. Never mind a guy that is awesome at making me understand the gibberish they call math that I have to learn.

I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do anymore. On a more positive note I guess, FACS is coming to talk to my daughter on Monday after school and our file is being closed. On the not so positive side, I still haven’t heard from her therapist to see when that’s going to get going, I was supposed to hear from her this week, only she doesn’t work Thursday or Friday.. seriously???